Sometimes You Just Wonder

I have spent the last two days fighting myself and wondering why me? I often wonder "why me?" but this was different. Nothing was done differently, but for some reason I still felt depressed and nothing is helping. I am not saying that I am depressed in the 'normal' sense, but haven't you ever just had those days? Well, these two days have been something else. I drank two vodka and OJ's and ate half a small cake. I have even gone shopping and gotten a few things that I needed around the house and still nothing.

So what is it that is bothering me? The same thing that is bothering at least 50% of Americans...finances. I have tried for years to find a career (not a job) with no avail and even looked for a job but again to no avail because of my hours. Having 3 children tends to limit what hours you can work unless you get paid enough that you can put them in daycare. These two 'obstacles' make it hard to find the right job or career.

Don't get me wrong I love having 3 children and having the ability to stay at home, even if it is hard financially, but sometimes it just gets to me. I can't do anything during the day because Brian (my husband) works at night so he is cranky if he is disturbed. I am stuck in my room with nothing to do but watch TV or sleep and nothing gets done. We have to live paycheck to paycheck and some weeks that's not even enough. There have been times when my kids have lived off nothing but lunchmeat sandwiches because that is all I could afford that week.

We did have a better year last year with not having to take out any loans and thanks to my dad I was able to pay off my car, but we are still the average American family who rents an apartment that is crappy compared to others. Don't get me wrong I am so happy that we have a roof over our heads and that the kids are able to eat and have clothing and shoes unlike others in the country and world, but that doesn't mean that I can't be unhappy, which I am. I also know that I am the only one who can change that. Hence this blog and the hopes that maybe someday it will pay off. Just maybe someday a publisher, magazine, newspaper, etc. will see it and realize that I am a good writer, hard worker, and would love more than anything to work for them.

That goal is the reason I work so hard in school and have decided that communications was a great add on to my English degree. For me both go hand in hand and someday I would love the opportunity to make a living doing what I like. Hell, who knows maybe someday I will sit down and work on that book that I want to write. You never know, every day is a new day with the opportunity for a new beginning.